Masks (Unmentionables, 10)

Voilà! The classic little black strip without which any respectable bandit feels improperly dressed.

There’s always the ski mask for fuller coverage of those fleshier faces.

A feathered headdress with jewel-coloured diamond patchwork fitted to the face. The mask attracts all the attention, so you don’t need to.

These are just too darling. Perky plaid pollution filtration masks that color coordinate with your outfit.

Or let’s keep it simple. You can’t go wrong with a bandana, knotted at the neck and draped over the mouth. Too open?

We could custom print a black bandana with teeth, mandible, maxilla, and zygomatic bone, then you could pair it with sunglasses to scare other drivers on the highway when you ride your hog. Who knows? It might work.

A yellow fez-shaped blob of plastic dangling from overhead. It doesn’t fit. It’s not supposed to. Or so they say.

Oh, something more athletic. Tougher? Perhaps Iron Man? I know, you’re right. It’s been done to death.

A welder’s mask? Too heavy. Yes, one doesn’t want to appear too common. Naturally. Apollo astronaut helmet?

Gridded bars across the face and mouth, connected to sensors to alert you to injury. They don’t work. Well enough, anyway.

Do any of them work? Silly superheroes, do they really believe that jellybean-coloured scrap will hide their secret identity?

Better the full face latex, molded to fit, monster or clown, furred or striped, with crazy curly red hair stitched to the edges. But damn, someone could smoulder inside.

If they do, grab a pocket mask and suck in some air. Then push the air in them, whether they like it or not.

Something simpler, but along the same lines but cooler, only covering half the face, animal snouts. Just the snout and jaw, pick your animal!

Hmmm, not quite. Perhaps a hot pink gel pack, with cute smiley-face holes cookie cut into it, chilled or warmed, however you prefer. No?

Available in three colourways, baby blue or custard yellow or pure white, the disposable, pleated like the skirt of a Catholic schoolgirl’s uniform.

More medical? The full face combo, complete with goggles, pocket resuscitator, and respirator. All clear plastic, but with a wave to distort the face behind.

Quite right. It DOES look like transparent tentacles wrapping around your head, shimmering, slick, beautifully malignant. Not the look you wanted?

Here’s something novel. First it’s a bra, but when the poison gas starts you can quickly convert each cup to an air filtration device. One for you, one for a friend, eh?

Too complicated? What about a scuba mask? Deep sea or snorkeling?

Ah, the steampunk goggles, of course. Brassy, sassy, and opaque, all at the same time. No? Vintage deep sea diver?

If that’s the style you’re going for, perhaps a military-grade full-face reusable … ? Of course. That would be insensitive.

Civilian-styling, perhaps a Dräger Deluxe 5500 Full Face with dual respirators?

No, I am NOT your mummy. Yes, they do look like bug’s mouths. No, they don’t wiggle side to side.

Perhaps death masks? We have an almost infinite supply, each one unique.

Or Guy Fawkes? None unique, all exactly the same, completely unidentifiable.

Yes, we can deliver that tonight. Did you want it gift-wrapped?

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3 responses to “Masks (Unmentionables, 10)

  1. Pingback: Unmentionables (The Series) | Rosefire Rising

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